I often get sick with a cold and right now I am down with a nasty bug. I am hoping though that it's just a head cold but because I have one of the weakest immune systems known to mankind (well, ok not mankind, maybe just my friends and ex-co-workers) I know that this cold will not be a 24 hour thing.

So with that being said, I have my arsenal of cold-fighting buddies with me today: 1) warm mist vapouriser with vicks medicated vapo-steam, 2) saline nasal spray, 3) extra strength cold and flu tylenol, 4) lemon-honey cold drink, 5) peppermint herbal hot tea, 6) plenty of tissue and of course my ever present sick bucket.

Too bad for me as I have been planning on going out to get things for some Christmas projects I want to try out this weekend, I guess, I'll just have to reschedule these things either end of next week or as soon as this bug gets out of my system.

I know there're other people sicker than me right now but forgive me as I become such a baby when I get sick (friends can attest to this! lol). I just hope I feel better soon. I am so excited to start my Christmas projects!

Anyhoo, I'll go lay down for a bit and try to tame this thing a bit.

Hope you all are well and for those friends of mine living in cold, wet or snowy places, please bundle up and ladies don't forget to dry your hair before venturing outside!

P.S.
Do you have cold-fighting buddies/techniques you'd like to share? Please do!
 

A dark cloud’s looming over the city.

It is supposed to be summer but it actually feels more like early fall. People are actually wearing jean jackets and sweaters. I’m wearing a little shrug on top of my spaghetti-strap shirt. It is not that cold but a bit nippy at times when the wind blows.

I went to see the Rheumatologist in T.O. but unfortunately, there have been a misunderstanding in scheduling and no one informed me that the appointment was cancelled. I was able to get my blood work done and picked up my medical file from my Family Doctor. My going to T.O. is not in vain after all! LOL!^_^

I was debating on hanging-out for a little bit in T.O. but I decided to go back home after I’m done with everything. I might spend money that I don’t have right now if I stayed in T.O. LOL!^_^ And besides, Blondie Bestfriend’s at work and I can’t get ahold of Le’Jai so I’ll be roaming T.O. by my lonesome and right now, I really don’t feel like it.

I had a chance to peruse the different reports of the psychiatrists that I saw the past 5 years I’ve been here. The last one states that I have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder on top of my Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I am even crazier than I thought! LMAO!^_^ Others would think this as a brick wall and take this seriously but I’m not. It’s just another term – label to this thing I’ve been trying to control for a long-time. It is just a name and I really don’t see any point in fussing over it. I have too much stuff on my plate right now and I can’t be bother by this label. I just have to keep on doing what I’m doing that has prevented me from having a major episode for quite a while now. It is really no biggie!^_^

The status on my facebook profile is: “Zen is the way to go! Let the bad go and let the good in!” Which pretty much explains what I’m feeling right now. I must admit that I have been calmer and less angry since I got canned. I am seriously starting to believe that my being fired is one of the few positive things that I have experienced in a long-while. I still have no plans for my future and still going through the flow of things. Basically just reacting to whatever’s thrown at me. But I less afraid now. I am more optimistic, calmer and less angry. I guess, I’m slowly getting back whatever it is that died in me by being shackled to the 7th Circle of Hell.

I am “normal”. I am optimistic, calmer and less angry. That is a huge up from the person I was a couple of weeks ago. I am actually happier now that I haven’t been for a long time.

Be Zen! Let the bad go and let the good in! Much love!

I’m out in our balcony getting a little sun on my pasty white body.

I have the house all to myself for the next couple of days and nights. My family’s pretty scared to leave me alone, thinking I would probably do something stupid. I have not really thought of doing anything stupid. Ok, maybe going back to my secret bisyo but the urge for that is not even strong to warrant any concern. I am not going to let this little thing defeat me. I have promised that to myself a long time ago. Things maybe a little fucked up in my head but it is NOT THAT fucked up yet. This thing has not yet to put me in such a state of despair to warrant a 24/7 suicide watch like before. It was just a job. A lousy fucking job that I have hated for a long, long, long, long while. I actually feel good right now. I guess this is really the best thing that has ever happened to me for a long while.

It’s also great that my family knows that I smoke and now I can freely do that whenever I want. I still have to hide it from Afro-haired Brother. I do not want him to have any dissonance when it comes to knowing the person I am and the person I am truly am. There really are not that many differences but some of the differences are still shocking and somewhat unexpected. . . I would think. lol!^_^

In a couple of hours I’ll be preparing to go to T.O. for a little gathering that has been cooked up even before I was given the boot from the 7th Circle of Hell. I’m not too sure who’ll becoming to that thing. I kinda dread going ‘coz people would feign pity and ask what my plans. Right now, I still do not have any plans. lol!^_^ I’m just going with the flow as I’ve been doing the past couple of years! lol!^_^ Maybe soon when I’m out of the fog that I’m currently in, I’ll be able to come up with a plan. Right now, I do not want to stress out on things. Stressing out would really not help me out right now. I have to relax and be Zen! lol!^_^

I should be petrified and terrified right now but I really do not feel anything. I feel numb. I guess too many things crowding my head cancels each one out and therefore merits the feeling of being numb. I should be worried. I have no back-up plan. I have no plans at all. The one thing I wished for and planned for and seemingly inevitable thing finally happened yesterday. A little bit before lunch. Wednesdays really have a special meaning in my life. At least a couple of major events that happened to me, happened on a Wednesday.

I was pretty shaken up by what happened. I really did not expect to break down so bad. I was crying and shaking. Good thing Le’Jai was still at home and was able to comfort me. I was not able to see Blondie Bestfriend because she started at noon yesterday and my phone kept calling her house. Maderella’s surprisingly is very supportive and making her presence felt. She has been the one talking to lawyers, representatives, etc. asking advice as to what I should be doing. I just let her take the reigns as the shock still has not dissipated. People keep saying that this is one of the greatest and positive thing that ever happened to for a long while. I have been forever undecided on whether I should stay or not in the 7th Circle of Hell but now it has been decided for me. Maderella’s fine with me taking a couple of months off to figure out things. And if worse comes to worst, she said she’ll bring me to Northern Lights either to get a job or go back to school. People have been telling me that maybe NOT being in hell would be helpful to my health. I hated my job – everyone knew it! lol!^_^ Le’Jai’s so happy that I got fired and was able to get out off that hell-hole. It fucking just sucks the life out of anyone! lol!^_^ The politics was just too much. The gossiping was just too much. And the job was fucking mediocre!

All I want to do right now is crawl under a huge rock (in my case: a HUGE boulder) and just sleep for a long-while. I am so tired and so exhausted. I feel so drained. I just need to recharge my batteries and then think of what I should do next. Unfortunately, no one wants me to do that. Everyone’s trying to get me out. Maderella even drove me to the GO station today so that I could go see my doctor. Blondie Bestfriend’s relentlessly and aggressively pursuing me going out with Red Neck Boy. According to her: “I need to be surrounded by people and not locked up in my room in my bed.” I do not want to be surrounded by people right now. I do not trust myself to be with people. When I am in the brink of an episode, I just want to be by myself with the million thoughts demanding my attention. I am scared that I might say or do something that would make people glimpse how broken I am. But I’m trying my best to still be connected with people.

I still have hope. I will get out of this rut. I will survive this. Soon, I will be able to have a clear and solid plan. I still have hope and am still hoping. I am still fine.

I’m typing this on my way home early from work. I’ve requested to leave early to try and save my sanity. I’m tired and still reeling from what happened yesterday. I drove yesterday and had my first accident after a couple of minutes on the wheel. I hit Hip-Hop Bro’s car while parking our van. I damaged both our van and his car. Which fucked me up real good! The event didn’t help the fact that I’m on a downward spiral again and desperately attempting to fight a seemingly impossible fight. I used to say that as long as I still have hope and am hoping, I will be able to stave off whatever episodes that might come my way but lately things are not the way they seem to be. It seems that I’m fighting an uphill battle and getting exhausted by it. I have not changed my medicines nor have I missed any of them. . .well, ok. I have not really been taking metformin regularly but that treats another health issue of mine and not connected to my bipolarity. 

I promised that I’ll pay for the repairs on the damages on the car but I do not have the money to pay for it. I do not exactly know where the hell I am going to get the moolah. Which brings me to another one of my worries, the possibility of losing my job. Right now, being in my job, assures me of a definite and steady income which can pay for all the financial responsibilities that I currently face BUT with the" “Limbo” status I have at work I am currently fucked. As ironic as it sounds, I hope that I don’t get fired. I can not afford to be fired as of the moment. There’s just too much and many responsibilities that I have to fulfill. Specially now that I’ve fucked up all the cars at home. I don’t know what to do. I do not know how to calm down my racing brain with thoughts that are just going on a vicious cycle. I have been attempting to calm down since yesterday after the accident but nothing seems to work. I know I would’ve deteriorated more if I have stayed at work – worse, I might say or do something out of the ordinary that most people will be surprised and baffled about. The problems I have in my head is showing. I am like a transparent paper – I can not hide anything.

I’ve been dreading going to work today. Fearing the question that everyone has on Mondays: “How was your weekend?” My weekend was not good. It was fucked up. I’d like to say these things to people but then I will be forced to explain myself and right now, I have no inclination whatsoever to share my thoughts to strangers and nosy co-workers. Right now, I just need to be by myself. To mull things over. To try my hardest to stabilize my spiralling mood. To try to relax as much as I can in ways that would not involve hurting myself.

I was so frustrated and shaken yesterday that I smoked in front of my parents, ergo, letting them know that I do, indeed, smoke. They really didn’t talk about it with me maybe because they thought that me getting into an accident is worse than me smoking. Maderella, of course, said something about it but not in an angry voice or disappointed voice. More of just reminding me that smoking is bad and really does not go well with my medicines. My dad, on the other hand, just said that I shouldn’t go overboard with smoking. I guess, right now, they’re trying to avoid the inevitable. They’re trying to patch up the cracks in my being ‘caused by my shock and frustration from yesterday’s event. I know that when the dust settles, I will get a talk with regards to my smoking. Right now, I am not worried about that. I have too much things in my head. I have a lot on my plate right now.

This is not really a good time for me to have an episode. I am trying to save my job by proving that I can be a reliable employee by getting to work everyday. I have worked so hard to be fine for a long while and finally succeed for a couple of months but now it’s like a big blow to me this on-set of another episode. I do not want to lose hope because if I do, I will not be able to survive and help myself out of this rut.

I just have to relax. Try to slow down. Try not to think too much. But then again, how can one do this when there’s a problem with one’s brain? How can I stop thinking? I just have to relax. I need to relax.

Another small victory for me. I’ve finished the work week without calling in sick or coming late. Woo-hoo!

Yesterday was my birthday! (Happy Birthday to me!) Unfortunately, my mood started to dip low yesterday morning. I thought it was going to be a good day. I have decided that it was going to be a good day but circumstances proved me wrong. Firstly, Blondie Bestfriend fought with me and totally gave me the feeling that I was not appreciated. Second, I left my cellphone on the only day in the whole year wherein people would actually call me! THEN, Blondie Bestfriend suddenly felt ill and had to go home with her free-loading boyfriend. And I’ve bottled all the days frustrations and now, I still have ill-feelings toward Blondie girl.

I did not ask them much for my birthday. I just wanted to spend time with them. I’m glad Le’Jai and Vegan Beauty squeezed me in their hectic schedule. They kinda diffused a little bit of the frustrations, anger, and disappointments I had that day. They actually saved the day by spending time with me. They granted me one of the top birthday wishes I asked for: spend time with friends.

I have not spoken with Blondie Bestfriend since yesterday. I have not even texted her once. I do not want to deal with her right now when I am really, really extremely upset with her. I might say things that I might regret later on. My mouth runs amuck whenever I am with anger or frustration.

Also, I am upset because she planned shit for next Friday and didn’t even plan anything at all with me. She did not even give me a little note saying Happy Birthday. Why is it that every time I have my birthday since I met Blondie Bestfriend, I always have issues with her on that day? Of the few people who knows me, she should know that I’m easily placated by small things. I don’t ask for grandiose gestures of affection or appreciation. A small thing to show that she cares and that I am special to her is all that matters. As people say: It’s the thought that counts. And I am not sure if she even thought of me. I am feeling very, very unappreciated.

I’m hoping that this little thing would not grow into a full-blown episode. I’ve been doing good for a couple of months now and having an episode is not exactly the things I need specially with the way things are at work. I need to just shake this thing off. I just need to try and let go.

As Le’Jai mentioned yesterday: Resentment is just re-visited anger. Right now, I do not want to harbour resentment towards one of the few people who knows me.

Yup. It was supposedly a special day. The operative word being special.

This is one of the longest days of my life. It just dragged on like it’s never going to end. I know I always feel this way whenever its the day before a long weekend, holiday or my vacation. LOL!^_^ Today’s just a very weird day for me. I’ve rapid-cycled  like I’ve never been for a long-while. I also felt a little bit edgy and anxious. I’m not sure where exactly I got these feelings but it totally messed up my day! I had difficulty actually relating to people today. Of course, they do not know a thing. I have mastered the art of deception. I have pretended so much about being normal that only a handful of people could actually tell my real mood. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me because I often find myself pretending even to people that I should not be pretending to.

In 48 hours I will be turning 26. I’m not going to go through my normal routine of taking stock of things as of now. I’ll put that on hold when I actually turn 26. I am going to go talk about my feelings with regards to how my best friends and friends seem to treat my birthday. They seem to nonchalantly deal with it, making it seem like it is just an ordinary day. I do not like to think of my birthdays as ordinary days. They are special to me and memorable because every birthday means a victory for me against my battles with my health. This is the reason I like celebrating my birthday and being surrounded by the people who have held my hand, lent their shoulders, listened and comforted me during the times of distress. It is my way of saying fuck you to my disorder. BUT, this year, it feels different. It feels like no one cares. All I asked for my birthday from my friends is a dinner with them on my actual birthday but it seems that, that is not even a possibility. No one confirmed. No one mentioned anything. It seems like everyone has forgotten at me. . . as usual. I am actually surprised at myself because despite knowing how people think of me or value me, I still expect so much from them. Damn!

So right now, i have no fucking clue as to what’s going to happen on my birthday. I don’t know the plans about it or anything. It looks like there’s nothing happening so I’m just planning to survive through that day at work and go home. I’m starting to believe what other people say about birthdays, it is just another day – nothing special about it. Nothing special at all.

So today, Le’Jai’s been popping up in my head. I don’t exactly know why but I felt confused about this. I guess I still have unrequited feelings for him. I still do but I have kept them bottled deep inside me with no intentions of ever revisiting that place again. Today is a different day though. He’s just in my head. . . all the time! It also does not help that I have not seen him for two months and that he will be coming out of the place where they give you hope. I just hope that he will be better. That his brief time away from people has helped him. I hope that somehow I crossed his mind, even for just a second. I miss Le’Jai so much!

Blondie bestfriend looked at my resume and was horrified by the format. Apparently, my resume looked like a shopping list! lol! ^_^ So, she decided to re-do my resume for me! To prettify it! lol!^_^ I faxed over my resume to a hotel/inn at downtown T.O. Hopefully with the handful of jobs that I’ve applied online I’ll be able to get some responses – positive responses! I seriously think that shit is about to hit the fan. I’m arming as much information I could find with regard to my situation. I am still debating or, rather, weighing my options as to what action I will do when the time comes that they call me in and finally give me the dread speech. I promise myself that I will not look desperate, pathetic, upset or weak when that time comes. I will accept whatever they over me provided that they listen to what I have to say. Even though there are changes made in our company about balancing work and personal life and that they have made little provisions with regards to how to handle persons with disability. I would like that meeting to be a way for me to educate and impart a little something about Bipolar Disorder. I know that it would be futile to make suggestions but I still will make them. So, in the future, when they encounter another employee with a situation like mine, they can make provisions. The allowances should come from them because if a person with my condition is having an episode their logic, rationality and sanity is elsewhere. They can not ask someone sick with a mental illness how they can help. This would be a futile attempt. The initiative to help should come from them. Unfortunately for me, the boss I have now is not a compassionate one. And it is also very apparent that she is ill-advised when it comes to mental illness.

Not because you can not physically see what’s wrong with someone does not automatically mean that they are not in pain or ill. This is one of the problems of mental illness/mood disorders. These disorders does not translate in to physical symptoms until very later into an episode. The struggle is with the mind. That is what is broken. Unfortunately, the mind is the intangible thing inside our brain. Therefore, it is intangible. You know it is there but you can not see it. You just believe in it. This is the problem. There is no tangible sign that people can see that you are broken. It is inside you. It is the intangible part of your brain. So with these assumptions, most people do not see mental illness/mood disorders as a sickness or a disability. They can not see therefore they do not believe.

I am just hoping that, somehow, something good will come out of this experience. It is terrifying and confusing. I am thankful that this happened while I am in a better place. While hope and positivity is alive in me. Don’t get me wrong, I am scared too. I do not really handle change very well but I am hoping that this new found strength in myself would see me through.

Change is the only constant thing in this world. Change is inevitable. I am hoping that these changes are for the better.

This day is super-duper exhausting for my brain.

I started the arduous and painful job hunting. No, I am not yet "officially" fired from my lousy job. I am just looking at my options and attempting to have a back-up plan even though it is quite delayed. I'm just hoping that this would not be a fruitless search. . . that somehow my luck will turn and somehow I find myself faced with the elusive positive energy that I have been craving and looking for.

To tell you, frankly, I am scared. Petrified! Terrified!

I hate the waiting. I hate waiting to see if the HR people in my company will fire me or give me a chance. I hate waiting for the replies to the jobs I have applied for. I hate waiting. I get anxious. I get stressed. And these feelings, I do not handle very well. But got to fight, the fight, in order for me to survive. In order for me to pay my bills. In order for me to be financially independent. In order for me to have a semi-normal life.

I truly do not know if I have the ability, capability and strength to go through this transitional stage in my life. Change is hard but it is the only constant thing in this life. No matter what we do, we can not hide from change.

It is time to face the music for me.